Are mothers victims of the society we live in?

Or do modern moms need to adjust their expectations?

Is it me…? Or is it the death of the village by way of the death of multigenerational homes?

Is it me…? Or is it the Industrial Revolution that changed work, family, and community dynamics as we know it?

Whose fault is it that modern moms are, well, miserable??

*****

I find myself at the end of another day full of roller-coaster emotions. The day was immediately ruined when I got trapped nursing my toddler for 30 minutes instead of going for my morning walk. No, I could not walk after, in the Mojave Desert we've been having 118 degrees days which means it's almost 100 out by 8, so 6-630 was my window!

Alas, my husband found a solution - there was an indoor track at a local community center, and yes they'd be happy to welcome me and my giant stroller, no problem! This infuriated me. Why? I have no earthly clue, and neither did my bewildered husband.

“So you wanted a solution, I found you one (admittedly a better one than walking at 6 am in 99-degree heat - and air-conditioned indoor track?!), but now you're pissed…?”

You got me, dude. I don't get it either. Maybe it was the control factor. The throwing off of my day, my routine. I had a plan that kept getting backed up and changed. Now I have to drive 40 minutes total there and back, instead of walking out the front door. This means I have to now pack snacks and travel potties and get everyone dressed (we absolutely do not get dressed for neighborhood walks). Oh, and. There were ants in the diaper bag, so may as well just cancel the whole day!

And it was only 8 am!

I know you moms have had days like this. One peep from the toddler or a hair pull or clothing tug from the baby, and you will lose your ever-loving-shit. It all just seems so unfair, and so complicated. Such a simple thing like a change in plans can ruin your day.

Of course, the day itself is not actually ruined. We went to that community center and on our walk, and it was lovely. We came home and played, had a nap, had swim lessons, and played some more. I got my workout in, I did a bit of yoga while the kids played outside. I called my mom. Furthermore, I made a new recipe for dinner. I'm currently nursing the baby back down as I write (typical), and both kids crashed before 9 pm - a win! (We have low-sleep needs kids, for real).

But when it first went awry, who did I want to blame? All of society. The whole damn shebang. The breakdown of the village, the death of the multigenerational home, the separation of mothers and babies. When it all seems so hard because I can't even get a walk in without being needed constantly, that's when I remember.

I remember that the Industrial Revolution split up families as they traveled to big cities for work, forever changing the multigenerational home.

I remember that an entire generation grew up in boss babe culture because our mothers before us went through feminism in the 70s so we'd better get jobs and show our gratitude! And…oops! We forgot to have kids!! That older millennial mom dilemma. 

I remember that the system inside of capitalism only makes money when moms and babies are separated - cribs, bouncy seats, bottles, formula, daycare, public school…the list goes on. No one makes any money if you breastfeed and cosleep.

I remember that all of the above separation has led to an entire culture not understanding (or giving a crap) about the extremely delicate postpartum period that mothers go through. And I'm not talking 6 or 12 weeks…I'm talking about the 2-3 years a mother goes through matresence - navigating a huge identity shift, dealing with long-term physiological changes, healing from a major physical event, and navigating hormones. Oh and doing it all mostly alone because again, where's the village?

So it's wild how one moment in one day can remind me of my overwhelm, my fatigue, my burnout, the feelings that I have to do it all and do it perfectly, oh and also don't you complain about it because “you chose this!” It makes me want to say “Woe is me” and just blame it all on the system. This society cares very little for mothers and babies.

But then I have to devil's advocate myself and say…well if “society” isn't going to fix this, I'll handle it myself! We sure are great at managing in a storm. Mothers have some magical energy that allows them to get shit done no matter what is going on outside - or inside, for that matter. Maybe it's just a maternally heightened sense of fight or flight, sad but likely true. 

But we know there is a maternal instinct that turns on. We pull ourselves up by our bootstraps all the time. Just watch any single mom do, well, anything. 

And if we look at the spiritual side of it, well technically I don't believe in victimhood. Energetically, there are billions of events that have had to take place for any singular other event to take place. All of these billions of happenings since the beginning of time make up the present moment that you are looking at right now. How can we be victims of that? The word victim seems so personal. Like it was done to us specifically, on purpose, by some entity, somewhere. But spiritually?? Everything is just - happening. And it has nothing to do with you or me or anyone.

I could have just as easily been born into a multigenerational home in India in the 1800s. I'd just have different problems. 

So, you tell me. Are we modern moms victims of this wild society that we've created? Or are we just spiritual beings floating along on just another experience, happening in the universe?

Either way - how can we cope in the present moment, regardless if we know where that present moment came from or what it means?